Tuesday, October 26, 2010

New Normal

It is day 5 of my new normal. I still wonder where the runners are each time I use our hallway steps. I used to smooth out the wrinkles every time so Katie would have traction on the two steps. There are less pill bottles and I am confused by the food bowls. No one twirling around the yard. No one demanding her daily Kongs. The cavalettis in the yard have not been used in over a week. It is time to put them in the garage.
Surprisingly, today has been the worst day for me. Initially, I think I was relieved that it was over. Katie was not in pain anymore, I knew the cause (bone cancer), and I really had no choice. So now it really seems to be sinking in that I will never see Katie again... at least not in my lifetime. I started to sob at work. Of course, it was the first day that I had tried to wear mascara again. I was a complete mess and had to skip a client meeting. Sadness sneaks up on you when you least expect it.
I am not a very religious person. I want to believe we see our loved ones again, but the truth is that I simply do not know. I would really like some proof right about now. I have read some books in the past about the afterlife that I have found comforting so I am seeking them out again and have purchased some new ones.
I am editing Katie's agility videos. There are not that many and the quality is not good, but I need to put what I can on the blog for my own record keeping.
Katie is 2 or 3 years old in the above pictures.

18 comments:

Alani Joi said...

Jennifer, I'm so heartbroken for you! Your posts have tears streaming down my face! I refuse to believe that God could create such extraordinary creatures and not allow them to meet us in the afterlife. I'm not overly religious either but I'll be praying for you and Katie!

jet said...

Well if you do get to see them in the afterlife, you are going to have a nice little pack! I'm not religious at all, but I still like to think of the rainbow bridge.

Kathy said...

Jen--We just have to have faith. That's all we have to go on sometimes. I too cannot fathom how we can have such wonderful creatures (and people) in our lives only to lose them through "death."

I wouldn't consider myself overly religious, but I do believe. And I do believe with all my heart and soul that you will see Katie, and Travis, and Jess and Teresa again. For now, we just have to hold onto that faith.

I'm thinking of you and here if you need anything...I know it's tough. We're never prepared, even when we think we're prepared.

Moonstonemama said...

Sending you a virtual hug. My beloved kitty went missing 2 months ago and there are still days where I turn around expecting him to be there. I can't even imagine what it would be like to lose my grey.

Mad Red Hare said...

Dang it. I know how you feel. Very sad for you too.

houndstooth said...

This sounds so familiar! I felt so much like you did when I lost Treat. Even with three other Greyhounds here at the house, I felt so bereft without her. I'd read on Greytalk and a few other message boards about how people always felt that their hounds had sent them signs, letting them know that they were okay. I wanted a sign so badly, but I never felt like there was anything. For me, the worst parts were coming home and her not being here and the day I had to pick up her ashes was the final day, when I realized she wasn't coming back.

Finding Bunny I believe was my sign, but it took me a long time to realize it. When we made our trip to Dewey this year, I thought about Treat a lot. She loved going, loved playing in the ocean and travelling. I finally felt at peace about it in a way I hadn't before. But two and a half years later, I still sometimes feel her loss really acutely.

I am so, so sorry that you had to lose Katie. The only thing that keeps them from being perfect is that they don't live forever, or at least as long as we do. Virtual hugs to you!

IHeartDogs said...

{{{{{{{{{{HUGS}}}}}}}}
You will see Katie again at the bridge, but for now she will always be in your heart and mind, watching over you... Sending you strength because you'll always miss her terribly.

Hiking Hounds said...

I like to think that they are still will us, taking care of us now. You've probably already seen it, but a book that helped me when I lost my two 20+ yr. old cats was "The Loss of a Pet" by Wallace Sife. They went 3 days apart, but I think the worst day wasn't until about 3 weeks later. The pictures of Katie are so sweet, especially the one of her curled up in her Sesame Street PJs with her stuffy. I'm so sorry for all the hurt and sadness you are feeling. Remember how much she loved you too.

Sue said...

Every time you think of Katie she is with you. Her spirit lives on in your heart. You need time hun. Sending you huge hugs.

christie said...

I know words can't describe the loss you are feeling, so I won't even try. After losing my heart-dog this summer, all I can say is the "new normal" sucks! I can sympathize with you, take it one day at a time and cry when you need to!
Christie & Mr. Deeds

Mielikki's Hunt said...

been a month for me, Jennifer, and I still find myself bawling over my girl. . .it's hurting less, I was able to talk about her this weekend without crying, but then stupid crap'll send me over the edge.

Sending you gentle hugs, and I know those two are rip roaring it around the rainbow bridge, chasing bunnies, doing tunnels, leaping jumps, and everything else they loved to do in this life.

Tamara said...

Hang in there Jen! I believe that the depth of our grief in death is a reflection of the depth of the love we shared in life. It's okay to be sad, to cry, to grieve. When I lost my Winnie I took almost an entire week off work. I remember walking around the house feeling a bit like a zombie. It was unreal. Hopefully, it helps you to know that because you shared Katie with all of us here on your blog, we are all grieving with you. You are in my thoughts.

Karen said...

I'm so sorry. I lost my heart dog one year ago and it is still hard. We adopted a new grey about 2 months ago and it almost made it harder having a dog in the house again because so many things he did reminded me of her. If he did something the same, it was like, "oh, Beans used to do that," but if he did something differently, it was like "oh that's so different from Beans." Seeing my veterinarian was really hard because the last time we saw her was when we had to put Beans to sleep. She was a very, very special dog and sometimes I worry about our new guy, Blink, being able to fill her shoes/paws. I know we'll bond with him in time, but it's weird.

It amazes me what we have the strength to get through, though - and even set ourselves up for it again and again by bringing these wonderful dogs into our lives. Hang in there.

Chi-Town Bound said...

Jennifer, I was heartbroken when I read this. I'm so sorry. I cannot imagine what you are going through, but know that there's a light at the end of the tunnel. Thoughts are with you.

Anonymous said...

Jennifer,

I'm thinking of you....I feel so sad for you

Big hug

Leen from Belgium

Anonymous said...

I'm so sad! Why are everyone's dogs dying on all my favorite blogs? :(

http://dogrescuerslife.blogspot.com/

http://minnesotagreyhounds.wordpress.com/

Muttsandaklutz said...

Aw, I loved seeing those old photos of Katie. You have been through such a roller coaster of emotions, I can imagine how exhausted you must be after all of this. I'll look forward to seeing her agility video, when the time is right for you.

IHateToast said...

This is so sad.
even if you don't remember your dreams, i believe we get to play with them again.

i enjoyed getting to know katie through the cyberworld.